Sometimes a profound sense of sadness and even loneliness falls over me. I don't know if I'd call it depression because it rarely lasts more than a day or two. But whatever its name, the feeling is real.
It doesn't seem to be related to anything on the front burner of my mind. It seems to spring from nowhere, sometimes at the most surprising times. It seems to creep out from the further crevices of my brain where it has been brewing or hiding or doing whatever it does.
I felt it today. It felt totally out of place. I was taking a nice long walk in a visually stimulating yet peaceful area on an extremely beautiful morning. The breeze was gentle and refreshing. The air smelled dewy fresh. The flowers were clothed in harmonious colors. And from the deep recesses, a sadness came flowing out.
It wasn't overwhelming. In fact, in an existential sort of way, it actually heightened my senses to the beauty around me. I felt at one with, and separate from, everything at the same time. I had a very clear sense of "being" and of the sadness settling like a shawl around my shoulders.
I have no answers. It might be something that either stems from, or is outside of, my relationship with God. Maybe it has to do with the finiteness of my time and place. Perhaps it's a chink in my armor of hopeful expectations. I don't know.
It's beautiful enough in a very eerie sort of way that I am compelled to dwell in it, but uncomfortable enough that I actively find ways to step out of it. Maybe I need to face it.
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