My son never lived that life. He grew up without a dad or siblings in his home. Divorced when he was 2, I remained single until he was 15. My later remarriage could not recreate the intact family life that he should have known growing up. I thought I was past mourning this loss ~ for both of us ~ until last weekend when the sadness and remorse came flooding back. He says it's okay, that he grew up not knowing the difference, but I know it's really not okay.
Intellectually, I coil at the idea of living "the victim." I think it's a terribly wasted life to be stuck in a past real or perceived trauma. But emotionally, I am sometimes dragged down into the pit of deep sadness ~ not despair but an overarching, palatable sadness. I can't stay there long because I know time has long since moved on and so must I.
I feel that sense of moving on with more urgency these days. Just yesterday I read about Magic Johnson's 20-year "successful" battle living with AIDS. That statistic is not what grabbed my attention. What stopped my breath was his comment that he does not live in the past; he does not live with regrets other than the regret of causing his wife so much pain at the time. Here is a man who has moved on, building life in spite of living with the continued consequences of some really stupid actions 20 years ago.
I cannot recreate what has been lost but I can build what is yet to be. And so I acknowledge the sad feelings, acknowledge the loss, but I also am living in my today and looking forward to the fullness of the future ~ each day a fresh opportunity to begin again.
...to be made new in the attitude of your minds (Eph 4:23)
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