The Big Reveal

Lessons from the Garden ~ Back Yard Remodel

It's amazing the discoveries we've made while working on the backyard.  Taking out the waterfall revealed a big stump from a tree that had been cut down by the previous owners.  Ripping off the facia boards revealed a stash of long-dead strands of a vine that we had  allowed to grow up over the edge of the roof.  Replacing the back wall revealed rat nests we hope have been long abandoned.  And taking down the shade-producing overhang revealed a blazing sun that was the reason the overhang was built in the first place.

It's like our yard had a secret life that was only revealed when we chose to take away the barriers that separated us.  It's like that with people.  We have our "public" self that creates a barrier between us and the world at large.  It's our "this-is-all-you-have-the-right-to-know-about-me-right-now" self.  Then there's our "front door" self.  It's the entryway to relationship.  It's the door that allows people to step inside our "interior" home and get to share life with us.  And then there's our "secret" self, that carefully guarded spot deep inside us that can only be entered with our permission and a secret code.  It's like the hidden doorway in the library bookshelf that reveals a passage to another, unknown place.  That's where the "real" self lies.

The public self is a very good and appropriate place to be in the right circumstances.  It's a boundary that allows us to interface with the world without "giving ourselves away" all the time.  That would be down right exhausting and even unnecessary.  The problem is some of us get stuck in the public place.  We don't let anyone in for fear of being hurt or losing control of the situation or whatever.  That's a lonely place to be stuck.  It means we keep people at arm's length and don't invite them to step through our front door to our "inner life."


Actually, there are degrees of welcoming people in.  Some get to stand on our front porch and get a peek at who we are, but it's just not the right timing to invite them in for tea.  Some get the tea-time invitation but our living room, our more "public" inner room is as far as they get.  Some even get to use our bathroom where we reveal a bit more of the "real me," but we never fully share ourselves.   

And then there's our "secret place," our deep thoughts and feelings.  In our lifetime, we are fortunate if we have a few people whom we invite to step across the threshold of our "secret" doorway.  They get to know the real me, sometimes even seeing things in us that we don't even see in ourselves.  These are the people that we call our close friends; our family whether biological or not.  They are safe; they are trusted, they are valued.  These relationships are a true gift. 

Healthy people have clear, strong boundaries.   They know who to let in, at what level and  when.  They also allow a select few to enter their secret place, to engage in the big reveal ~ to share real life, to hold each other accountable, to walk a soulful walk together.  This is the depth that true love flourishes.